"Dying on Hills" and "Choosing Battles"

“My aunt Shelly lets me do whatever I want,” my little niece, Abby recently shared with a friend. ---- My husband was surprised to hear her say this because obviously that's not the case, in fact, he thinks I’m pretty strict with her.

Abby may “think” she is getting to do whatever she wants because as I have gotten older, I have learned a few tricks. I spent a lot of time and energy when my kids were young micromanaging everything from their dresser drawers to their attitudes. More than once I would hear my mom’s voice in my head saying her famous quote, “don’t make a mountain out of a molehill”. However, I would ignore that voice and continue building that molehill right up into a mountain, and not just any mountain, it would be like a Mount Everest by the time I had finished.

Twenty-five-years later clichés like, “don’t die on that hill”, “choose your battles” and the infamous, “don’t make a mountain out of molehill”, are slowly becoming my mantra. When she wants to do something, I give Abby choices ---she makes her choice, and in her little, eight-year-old mind, she is getting to do whatever she wants.

She is super helpful and will do anything I ask her to do as far as a household chore or job. She knows that I usually repay these gestures later with ice-cream, a trip to the dollar store, or some other fun and (cheap) activity. And best of all, she knows if the fun reward doesn’t happen that very day, it will happen another day, and she is fairly patient with waiting because she knows it will definitely happen. My grown kids roll their eyes and say, “we didn’t get a reward” for helping out. True. They didn’t. But they got clothes, shoes, toys, games, food, doctor visits, dentist visits, Sunday school and many other privileges too numerous to name. Plus older kids always think the younger ones have it better for some reason.

My grown kids also get annoyed when I allow my niece to do silly things that aren’t necessary like…drinking out of a sippy cup or using the baby spoon to eat ice-cream. But in the big scheme of things…who really cares? It’s a fleeting moment of being silly and childish and she is EIGHT-years-old! “Picking a battle”, or “choosing a hill to die on”, has become a great talent of mine, and at 51, I am not going to die on the hill of which spoon she can use. I wish I had done this at 31, my life would have been much less stressful.

As a third-grade-teacher, I try to incorporate this attitude with my students and so far it has worked well. Guess what? Kids make mistakes. They make a lot of mistakes actually, they almost make as many mistakes as adults make J They also make poor choices and forget things. They respond quickly if they are being questioned and sometimes, they respond with an inappropriate tone or attitude. My goal is to hold them accountable, but to do so with a whole lot of grace and love. Some behaviors call for stern and swift consequences or lectures; but many times, we as adults continue to “beat a dead horse”, or decide to, “die on a very small hill”. Doing this not only ruins the day for the child, but it puts a big hole in the relationship you are trying to build.

Sometimes simply telling a child face-to-face, eyeball-to-eyeball, “don’t let this happen again”, is more effective than a big, public lecture in front of everyone. And sometimes a big, public lecture to the whole class is the ticket. As a human being, there are some days I fall short of what my goal is---sometimes I feel great driving home reflecting on the day, and other times, not so much.

I think the key is to always reflect, always try harder and to let the pendulum of grace always swing in favor of the kid. I believe that is how God’s grace works with us, it always swings in our favor, thank goodness! If God was in the habit of ‘beating dead horses’ and ‘making mountains out of molehills’, he would be busy 24/7 with ME alone!

Abby “thinks”, Aunt Shelly lets her do whatever she wants----In reality, Aunt Shelly guides her choices with grace and love; and the feeling of “freedom” that comes with that makes her feel like she’s doing whatever she wants. I am looking forward to having her in my third grade class this year----although this scenario could actually become the LITERAL hill that she or I dies on! Hopefully we both survive.

Boxed In--

“What did you do before you had that little pink box,”? It was a simple question posed by an elderly gentleman. He had just sat down next to my chair in the hair salon. He was there for a haircut, I was sitting ‘impatiently’, waiting for the color to process and hide my gray for another five or six weeks.

I shrugged my shoulders, smiled at him, and exited out of my current candy crush saga. I swiveled my chair around and faced him. He was nicely dressed, white haired and I could tell instantly that he was a ‘people person’. Within a short few minutes of talking with him, I learned that he resided in a little town south of the area I was from; he also had a ten-year-old grandson that loved technology and grown kids that visited “occasionally”. I could tell by the way he said the word, “occasionally”, that it was not enough for his liking. We talked as the stylist clipped away at his hair. By the end of the short conversation we discovered that we had two mutual friends (in real life, not Facebook) and that his wife worked for another acquaintance of mine. “Wow,” I said to him, “it really is a small world”. “Yep,” he added. “But you wouldn’t have known that if you had held on to that little pink box,” he laughed. His eyes were bright and friendly, but I knew he was making his point.

After he left, I sat there for a minute observing. Almost everyone else around me was engrossed in their own “little pink box”. I thought about how many times I had sat in waiting rooms at doctor or dentist visits, or stood in long lines at stores B.C.P (before cell phones). There was always small talk with strangers that sometimes turned into a meaningful conversation. I learned about the struggles and joys that unknown individuals were facing. Over the years I have conversed with people I didn’t really know, about the schools their kids attended, the illnesses their parents had endured, accidents that had happened, vacation spots they liked, car troubles they were having, diets that had failed, and of course weather, news and how things were different when they were young. And maybe my life wasn’t majorly impacted by these conversations, but my knowledge and awareness were definitely influenced.

I am certain that there are instances where we are ‘meant’ to encounter someone. I believe that God sends strangers into our paths at times to encourage us, make us think, get our attention; or at times for us to encourage them, make them think or get their attention. How many lonely or hurting people have I sat next to at the doctor’s office that needed a brief conversation to feel like life mattered, but I ignored them because I was playing a game on my phone? How many people had news they would have like to have shared or talked about, but I was too busy getting the latest news from Facebook? How many places have I been present physically, but mentally absent because I was trying to be present in a group text or Facebook message?

This nice, elderly gentleman that quite literally ‘forced’ me to put down my “little pink box” and have a conversation had me reflecting and thinking about a lot of life situations. I know I am on my phone too much. I know it has isolated me from strangers, and builds a wall of privacy that few people attempt to climb and invade. I hope that during this New Year I will be more aware of the people around me, especially the ones that want to interact and strike up a conversation. I am going to try to be more approachable in these situations. I believe the potential to learn something from the people we briefly encounter exists. We just have to know when to put down our phones and embrace that possibility; hopefully I can accomplish this more often than not in the coming year.

'At least I got one right'...

“Did you grade my paper yet,” the tiny voice asked from behind me. I turned around and cringed on the inside. “Yes…I did,” I said.       I had graded the paper and…’ tiny voice’ had missed them all but one. My heart had sunk earlier as I checked off the incorrect questions. If there is one thing I dislike about my job, it’s giving back an assessment with a poor grade. The look on an eight-year-old’s face when they glance over that paper and see the how many they missed or the grade at the top is so disheartening and sad. It is actually disheartening to the point I have thrown out entire assessments and went straight to the re-teaching, and then re-assessed without anyone realizing they ever failed the first time.      Unfortunately today was not one of those instances, most of my students did fairly well on this particular assessment, but… ‘tiny voice’ had struggled in a big way.

“Can I see mine,” she continued. “Umm you can…but listen to me first.” I took her aside and said, “This is not a big deal, honestly, we will work on it and you can re-do it so don’t even worry about it, okay?”

I didn’t want to see that sad look and the downcast eyes. I couldn’t stand to hear the sigh of disappointment so I spent time preparing her, building her up, telling her it would be okay.

She just smiled and said, “Okay, well where is it”? I reluctantly handed her the paper. She looked it over and saw that it had minus 17 out 18 missed questions. I held my breath and waited for the look. But…there was no look, ‘tiny voice’ smiled big, looked up at me and declared with a confident and happy tone, “Well at least I got one right”! She proudly took the paper, put it in her folder and went about her business like nothing had changed.

I wanted to scoop her up and give her the biggest hug ever, but I just stood there processing the genuine smile on her face, the sparkle in her beautiful blue eyes and her victorious tone.

I thought about her reaction on my way home and my thoughts have returned to her all evening long. I am so amazed that she chose to see this glass full and running over instead of empty. Her attitude exhibited one-hundred percent the “growth mindset” I have been teaching my kids since day one. I have drilled into them that ‘making mistakes is great because it’s how you truly learn’; I have told them that every time they fail it stretches their brain and helps them to grow. I say all the time, the grade is not important, what counts is if you learned a little more than you knew before.

I am so proud of ‘tiny voice’ because she “gets it”. She celebrated the ONE she got right instead of dwelling on the 17 she missed! If I could only be more like her, can you imagine what I might accomplish or what any of us might accomplish?

As an adult I focus consistently on what I mess up, and what I could have done better. Good is seldom ‘good enough’ and the stress this creates isn’t worth any level of success. I learned more from ‘tiny voice’ today than she will ever learn from me in this entire school year.

I need to celebrate every single victory regardless if it’s one student passing a test or 39 students passing; that’s what having a growth mindset, is all about. I need to practice what I preach to my kids. I need to be aware of all growth, not just big growth, because slow, consistent growth is strong and moving in the right direction. If I can alter my perspective just a little and adopt an ounce of the insight and outlook of ‘tiny voice’, I will be much more, happier, less stressed and much wiser. Kids are amazing and really are the best teachers. 

Lots of Opportunities

As the calendar changes from July to August, the warm air ushers in that feeling of a new beginning in my mind. The hot, sticky weather, the knowledge that summer is running out of time, and the amount of back-to-school Wal-Mart ads announce that another year of school is about to begin.

I feel that twinge of nervousness. I will have about forty new kids in my life in a few short weeks, forty new faces and names to learn, forty new personalities to adapt to, and forty new opportunities. Yes! Opportunities. The google definition of “opportunity” is stated as, “a set of circumstances that makes it possible to do something”. WOW! I will have 40 sets of circumstances that will make it possible to do something! Forty different packages of various talents and skills; some will be amazing at math, others will be strong readers, some will love to write stories or learn about the past. And some... will not be excited about reading, some won’t care about Social Studies or how communities work and change over time. Some will not like grammar, spelling or writing at all…but regardless, ALL; every single one of these, “sets of circumstances” will make it possible to do something.

My job will be to learn everything I can about each student in orders to tap into what makes them tick. I will teach them to love reading when I read aloud books like Charlotte’s Web and The Twits, and come up with crazy voices for the characters, with weird accents. They will learn to love writing when I learn what they enjoy doing, and then help them develop a narrative about that topic. Grammar will become a fun activity with the use of task cards and group challenges and games.

They will also learn how very important it is to “make mistakes”, so they can become better. In fact, they will learn that their teacher just might be the “queen of mistakes” J They will see that hard work and trying again and again is how you truly learn and make the most of the opportunities you are given.

Every child is an opportunity---a little set of circumstances that make it possible to do something. We will do so much! I hope they each leave my room in May knowing that they all have “opportunities” and “possibilities” in their lives and future. I hope above all they learn how to persevere and work hard, to never give up and to definitely make mistakes because if they can learn that…then any opportunity they have, big or small will far surpass their expectations in the same way I am sure each of them will far surpass mine!

Son OR Son-in-Law----it's all the same to me

     Having been blessed with two amazing daughters has been the most significant part of my life. Everything else I have accomplished in my life is really just icing on the cake, my girls were and continue to be “the cake”.  

     And as if cake and icing weren’t enough, recently a new addition to our family has added a much needed scoop of ice-cream! For a little over a year now I have had the privilege of having a SON-in-law, which is actually the next best thing to a having son; maybe even better. After all I didn’t have to raise him or pay the high car insurance that boys normally have to pay. I didn’t have to pay for his soccer shoes, his sports camps, play to pays or the big grocery bill that comes with having boys (which moms of boys have always told me all about). I have the reward without the work, which rarely works out in life.

     When I first met Coty…I just wasn’t sure. It’s always hard when your kids start relationships. I didn’t really know Coty, he wasn’t a ‘River View Black Bear’; in fact he had graduated from that “other” school, and was Red and Black all the way! He was nice enough…but just someone new and different. The more I got to know him though, the more I genuinely liked him and eventually loved him.

     Today I feel very blessed to have Coty as my SON-in-law. He has honestly become as much ‘my kid’ as my own daughters. We think alike, we make the same sarcastic comments (all in good fun) and we both love trivia and playing games. He is helpful and willing to put himself second to make things work out for someone else. But more than this, I know that Coty loves my daughter and little grandson as much as I do. He gives them his most precious commodity, his time. He helps clean, cook, sweep, shop, and also works his full-time job. He plays with my grandson, chases him, wrestles him and loves him. Without Coty, we wouldn’t even have Grayson, and I can’t imagine a life without this little guy. In a way, Coty has given my husband and I, a brand new role in life and whole new adventure in helping to make us grandparents.

     Even though I didn’t raise him, I have a bond with this amazing young man. He is thoughtful and funny and is more apt to help me out some days than either one of my daughters, a fact that makes me smile and frown at the same time! I know I can count on Coty.       This is a comforting thought because I know that someday I will probably have to count on him more than I will want too. Still I like knowing that when and if that day comes, he will be there; and he will be there with grace and kindness because that is who he is and what kind of man he will always be.

What I hope my kids learned in third grade…

Shelly Webb

May 1st. ushers in a sense of completion in my mind. The sound of lawnmowers, the smell of fresh-cut grass and the amount of spring cleaning remind me that another year of school is waning to an end.

I start thinking of “my kids” and how they will all be moving on and I wonder what exactly they will take with them to fourth grade, what have they learned this year. I refer to them as “my kids”, because they truly have become “mine”. When you spend five days a week with a child for nine months, you can’t help but become sucked into their life.

 I know all about them, I know their personalities, their strengths, and their weaknesses. I know how sensitive or tough they are and how they are going to react to whatever situation. I can predict their thought pattern, I know what motivates them and I know what shuts them down. I know who needs pushed and I know who needs built-up, before they can be pushed.

Academically they have ALL grown, some have shown remarkable growth and some average growth, but overall they have all grown and learned lots of things.

For instance, they have increased their vocabulary significantly, they know many Greek and Latin Roots, they can compare and contrast two texts, they know about fables, folktales and myths, they can write an opinion, they can identify nouns, verbs, adjective, adverbs and pronouns, they have increased their reading level and they are well-versed in various genres and authors of their time.

And all that is great…but it’s really not the most important things they have learned. What my kids have learned that matters most of all is that they now have one more adult in their life that genuinely cares about them. They have learned that I believe in them, and that I understand some of the tough circumstances in their young lives. They have learned that I am available to listen, talk or help them out.

They have all learned that MISTAKES are NECESSARY in school and more importantly in life, and that every mistake is a chance to learn and that no one truly ‘learns’ without making mistakes. They have learned that they do not have to be perfect and that their teacher is VERY FAR from perfect.

They have learned that they are free to mess up, to become frustrated, to lose a book, to forget a book, to fail a test, and to re-take a test. They are free to make choices, to share with each other, to have a disagreement, to say ‘I’m sorry’ and to grow. They have also learned the one thing they can NEVER do… and that is to, “give up on learning”. Even when the text looks too hard or the book looks too long, they know they have to dig deep and persevere. They have learned that “hard work” far, far outweighs being smart and that they all have the ability to be hard-workers.

I have taught them how important a good work ethic is when it comes to getting a job. They know that this one valuable character trait can take them much further than the number attributed to their IQ score.

We have also delved into various college websites to learn that college really can be for everybody. Degrees in programs like ‘Wildlife Conservation’, ‘Mechanical Engineering’, ‘Art’ and ‘Sports and Fitness Management’ grabbed the curiosity of a few that had little interest in college until then. The smile on their faces and new enthusiasm for their future was priceless.

 I believe my kids have learned the content standards, which is vitally important for their success in future grades. But to be honest…my mission is so much bigger than that.

When that last day of third grade comes and goes, I hope it comes and goes with life long memories full of magic and grace. I hope that years from now a random thought back to third grade brings a smile to their faces. I hope they remember the prize box, the music we played, the debates and skits we did, the suckers, the tootsie rolls, and I hope they think of me and realize that Mrs. Webb really, truly cared about them and their future…because I do!

          

More than a doctor…

A Pediatrician is technically a doctor that treats children. He or she is there for the first check-up and immunizations; and then sticks around for the next 18 years overseeing the health of the child.

My Pediatrician, Dr. Tiberio, stuck around a tad longer and was there to welcome our first grandchild into the world, however at our last well-baby appointment he broke the news that he is planning to retire in May. The room was suddenly deflated and the mood in my heart turned gloomy. I kept telling myself, “Don’t cry…everyone retires…you’re being ridiculous, don’t cry”…but as usual, ‘myself’, didn’t listen and soon the tears were flowing.

For the past twenty-five years this gentle, caring man has been there, like a quiet member of my family, one that stays back in the shadows and causes no drama. Over the years he has treated so much more than ear-aches and viruses. He has treated my worries, my over-reacting and my fears; all with a calm and reassuring voice.

Statements such as, “No, Kennedy will NOT nurse forever,”, “Yes Katilyn WILL be potty-trained” and, “The vaccines are safe, please don’t worry”, only scratch the surface of the candor and wisdom he provided me.

Number one, he “remembers” my mom, and if you are someone that has lost your mom, then you know how important it is when someone “remembers” her. My mom accompanied me to every pediatric visit until she died, when Katilyn was twenty-months old. After that I went alone to the check-ups and sick visits, but Dr. T always commented about “how proud” my mom would be of Katilyn, and that he knew how badly I missed her and how hard it was for me. I seldom left with dry eyes those days, but eventually things got better.

Then when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died within just a few months I remember telling Dr. Tiberio that I really should have insisted on chemotherapy WITH the radiation, instead we opted to do radiation first and then add chemo later, and my dad never made it to one chemo treatment. I felt like it was the wrong choice and that I should have been more on my game so to speak. He listened quietly and then said the magic words that lifted that burden from my heart. “My dad was in a similar situation,” he shared. “I insisted on chemo and radiation at the same time, and you know what Shell, he didn’t live any longer than your dad”. Those words made everything better, as strange as that may sound; I had just been granted permission NOT to replay the ‘what ifs’ over and over in my mind.

My Pediatrician was caring, patient and spent TONS of time with my kids during their appointments, he didn’t only treat them, he treated me. He treated me with kindness and guidance; he treated me with respect and compassion. He was a doctor, but he was also a husband, a dad of four kids and in recent years a grandfather. He allowed all those experiences to become an intricate part of how he doctored and cared for his patients.

I feel privileged and blessed to have gotten to know him over the years. I feel especially grateful that he was able to take care of my girls and usher them into adulthood and that first appointment with their “grown-up doctor”. I love the fact that he was there to greet my little grandson and take care of him for the first 18 months of his life.

I hope he realizes that his life’s work is so much more than the medical aspect; he has been an emotional support, a friend, a counselor and wonderful advice giver. No one is perfect, not even doctors, but this one was pretty close. My wish is for his retirement to be full of promise, good health, family and prosperity, he deserves it!