I know this
sounds crazy, but I have this circus ringmaster guy in my head. He’s real
bright and shiny, he has the red tailcoat, black top hat, high boots and the
little cane. He’s not like The Greatest Showman Hugh Jackman Ringmaster though,
no songs about the brightest colors in my head or a million dreams. This guy is
a real jerk.
He narrates different parts of my
day, which could be defined as circus acts I suppose, with a big loud
ringmaster voice. For instance, like when I’m getting ready in the mornings. I hear
him screaming, “Ladies and Gentlemen let’s see if the amazing Shelly can
squeeze into last year’s capris, this will be quite a feat if she can do it…
can she, YES they’re buttoned, wow! Now can she find a shirt to cover that
muffin top.” And the crowd goes crazy and I roll my eyes at him.
There are also
days he’s all up on me at work, “Ladies and Gentleman settle back in your seat
and watch the amazing Shelly as she attempts to teach (student name) to write
an essay using, WHAT, a hamburger graphic organizer! Has she lost her mind. The
top bun is an introduction, the meat is the details, the bottom bun is a
conclusion! This will never grow into an AIR test worthy writing. And it
appears she has abandoned all semblance of spelling to boot. She is deceiving
this child into believing he can write! And he’s buying it, oh the fraud!” And
the crowd goes crazy. And I sigh heavily…and roll my eyes at him.
He’s taunted
my parenting skills for years, (but oddly enough thinks I am an amazing nana), “Oh
my, ladies and gentleman, did this 15-year-old not lose her cell phone, AND was
she not told that she could not go to the school dance? But what is this?
Inconsistent Shelly is driving her to the dance and what is in her hand, my
god, it’s the cell phone. When will this madness end? It’s a tight rope
balancing act like I have never seen!”
And the crowd frowns and shakes their heads. And I show no
emotion on that one.
He scoffs at
my purchases, “Ladies and Gentleman, Shelly owns a perfectly good table and
chairs, but yet she is buying another one, is she insane, wasteful or just
trying to tick off her husband? We really must watch this unfold.” And the
crowd watches. And the husband rolls his eyes this time, but is not ticked off.
Over and over,
he announces my doubts, my decisions, my mistakes. He reminds me how many
tootsie rolls I’ve eaten, he counts my carbs, he tells me I’m not tough enough
on my kids, he tells me I am too tough on my kids, he tells me things won’t
work, he blames me for other people’s decisions and choices, he notices every
new line under my eyes, every new ounce on the scale, he’s amazing really, he
misses nothing. He does compliment my nana skills often so we’re good on that
front. He must have a great nana somewhere in his past.
I can’t decide
if he’s out to help me or destroy me. When I am going to sleep at night, I see
him sweeping out the big tent, looking tired, I mean he has had quite the day,
calling the plays in my life. He throws his shiny red coat and top hat on a
chair and collapses on his bunk. He looks tired at night, no so chipper, not so
shiny and not so loud.
I look at him and say, “Why”?
He looks back
and says, “to keep you grounded and real, and to try to set you some boundaries
girl, without me you’d be out of control.”
When did he
arrive, I wonder, I think he started with a small ring maybe when I entered
high school? He was definitely three ringing it by the time I became a mom, and
lately I think he’s attempting a franchise.
So I wonder…is
he a jerk? Does he have any interest in me succeeding? Does he constantly point
out my errors so I don’t cross some big line? Does anyone else have a
ringmaster narrating their life?
I joke about
him to friends and imitate his big, booming voice, but figuring out if he’s a
friend or foe is the real feat. I’ve often said, my life is a circus, so maybe
I need a ringmaster. I have a feeling I could fire him too, anytime I wanted,
but I might need him more than I think….and he does love me as a nana…
